


Fatherhood

by Sparky_Lurkdragon



Category: La-Mulana
Genre: Family Issues, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2049636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sparky_Lurkdragon/pseuds/Sparky_Lurkdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lemeza has a stress dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fatherhood

Lemeza was pacing.

Down the hall from his room, through the living room behind the couch, past the bathroom, sharp turn away from the hall to Lumisa's room and the storage, longer stride over the creaky board in the kitchen a few feet over from the washing machine, through the living room in front of the couch, past his room again, repeat. Repeat, repeat, sometimes glancing at his bedside alarm clock through the door.

3:14 AM.

He kept the pacing to a steady walk, silent with his thoughts. The one thing he didn't want was waking up his daughter at this hour. It was a bad dream that had him up, after all, and she didn't need to hear about it.

Especially not given it was _about_ her.

He clenched his teeth and once again forced down the impulse to break into a jog. It was sort of about her, at any rate. About her, about him, about fathers and children. He had it often enough - always the same symbols, though the plot varied. Tonight's had been a particularly upsetting iteration, the one he tended to get when he was badly stressed in the waking world. 

_I'm standing at the podium and I'm so powerful, on top of the world, and the whole faculty and then some claps and cheers. I did it, all by myself. That's what the paper says, anyway. You're in the audience and you're the only one not applauding, because you're shocked I'd do this to you. I know you are and that makes victory that much sweeter._

Grant writing, that always did it, and a few anniversaries. None of the usual things seemed to apply, which just made it worse.

_And later, away from everyone, in the field out behind Grandpa's house, you try and confront me but I don't let you. You can't find the words and I sure can._

_"Of course I did. You're a good-for-nothing no-account and no one would ever read the work if it was your name on it. You're small, you're nothing, you don't matter. You've never amounted to anything - you never will!" He's never quite said it that way, but I heard it, and now I'm saying it to you. Join the family._

Lemeza halted, one hand on the sofa and one tight over his eyes. No glasses. That was good. He was always wearing glasses in those dreams. 

_You're shrinking back, hurt and confused and angry and you're thinking, why are you doing this? "I'm doing you a favour. Just like when you were little." I'm gesturing vaguely around the field. "I left you here, didn't I? You know I could have done a lot worse."_

_We lock eyes. You're thinking, what did I do? "You got in the way. You were born."_

His nails dug into the sofa's fabric, though not quite into the sides of his head.

_"No one and nothing will ever care about some useless thing like you."_

He clenched his teeth hard enough to grind them. It was enough to become conscious of just how tense he was; in a nearly automatic reaction, he started breathing deeply, counting slowly down from ten in his head with each exhale. Then up again. And down. 

_"Me least of all."_

He got back up to seven and lifted his head, gazing blearily down the hall past the kitchen, hesitating through eight, nine, and ten. Finally, he set off again along his pacing path, breaking the circle to continue down the hall to Lumisa's door. He couldn't hear her. She didn't snore, and the bed was, he knew, too far away from the door even if she did. But she was in there. And he was right beside her, more or less. 

_And I wake up. And I know the dream isn't about you, really, but it kind of is, too._

Lemeza stood there, eyes closed and silent, feeling his daughter's presence, for a long while.

***

"You got your permission slip? I signed it last night."

"Yes, Papa, I looked." She pulled a face. "You always put those off for so long..."

He grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. But it's done, right?" It settled into a nostalgic smile. "You're gonna love the lava beds. That's, what, next week that you're going?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Betcha can't wait!" He made a shooing gesture at the front door, and Lumisa skipped over with her usual energy. Her father waited until she was halfway out. "And, hey, have a good day, all right? I love you."

She called an unsurprised "Love you too, Pop!" over her backpack as she left for the bus stop. Lemeza sat gazing after her over the back of the couch for a little.

_I do that often enough that it's no big deal. It's just that thing your papa says most mornings._

He smiled to himself, if only faintly.

_That's pretty good going, I guess._

**Author's Note:**

> A while back, [queen_stardust](http://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_stardust/pseuds/queen_stardust) had a bad dream in which Lemeza was being a jerk to Lumisa (I think this was before we knew her name, even), and after talking it over with her I said, 'what if you picked up on _Lemeza_ having a bad dream?'
> 
> This fic is the eventual result of that conversation, with thanks to Luna.


End file.
